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How to guide girls
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Flat Screen Local News
Flat Screen Local News
How to guide girls
Raising daughters can be daunting – but a new book of the collected wisdom of teachers from more than 200 leading girls’ schools will help parents negotiate the minefields.
When it comes to raising offspring, do parents today need more help with their daughters? The Girls’ Schools Association certainly thinks so.
“Parents are particularly anxious about raising daughters as there are greater pressures on girls,” says Dr Helen Wright, headmistress of St Mary’s Calne, president of the GSA, and the mother of two daughters (and one son). “There are social pressures in terms of celebrity culture, for instance, or their appearance, or the conflict women have about their role in life.”
According to Dr Hunt, parents are increasingly turning to schools for advice and wisdom. “With the break-up of the extended family network, parents simply don’t know where to turn. We’ve seen a huge increase in the past 10 years of parents coming into school and asking about parenting issues. Schools and families need to work together to bring up children.”
Which is how the new book, Your Daughter: a Guide for Raising Girls, came about. The practical manual, written by the head teachers and staff from more than 200 leading girls’ schools, deals with everything from family and friends to tantrums and tattoos. Here, we select the GSA’s most pertinent advice when it comes to raising a thoroughly modern 21st‑century girl.
The prevalence of alcopops has taken away one of the greatest bars on teenage drinking – the taste; most young teenagers don’t like beer, wine or cider. Alcopops, which vary in their alcoholic content, go down like fizzy drinks, and can act as an entry level to harder spirits. It is no surprise that teenage drinking is now a national problem.
For the majority of teenage carousers, however, alcohol isn’t anything serious; it’s just an ever-present favourite motivator for nearly all teenage behaviour: “having a laugh”, appearing “cool”, and being incapable of predicting consequences. If real shock tactics are called for, you could make them stay sober at a party where everyone else is drinking, or video them while under the influence. It’s not funny the next day.
Still, the world of teenage parties and alcohol is one of the most difficult situations that parents face. Children will always try to play parents off against each other, so it is important that you establish good lines of communication between each other, and are clear about – and agree upon – a number of keys issues, namely at what age alcohol will be made available to your child; the amount and type of alcohol that will be provided at a party; and what levels of supervision will be in place throughout.
Limit access to wines and beers (no spirits). Although alcopops, which are popular with girls, blur the spirit/non-spirit divide, at least they are a “measured” drink. A strong, active adult presence at all teenage parties is essential. “Policing” duties range from excluding gatecrashers to being alert to “smuggled in” supplies of alcohol. A minimum of three adults, at a ratio of one adult to 10 teenagers, should provide a good level of supervision and sufficient cover if anything goes wrong.
Alcohol is a normal part of adult society, and it is important that young people learn to drink responsibly. This skill is best taught in the home – it is often suggested that allowing children a small amount of alcohol at home (the French wine-and-water model) can help to deglamorise later drinking at clubs. Most importantly, parents should not underestimate the part that we play as role models to our children. Young people will pay more attention to what we do than to what we say.
Talking to your daughter about alcohol is really important and – like talking about sex – is best introduced from an early age as part of an ongoing conversation about what is right and what is wrong in life.
We need our daughters to have the skills and knowledge to enable them to cope with reality, rather than attempting to keep it at bay. There is no evidence that giving information early leads to early experimentation; in fact, the reverse is more likely to be true – shrouding sex and relationships in mystery can do more harm than being open and honest with our children.
Sex is so flaunted, it can’t be a surprise to anyone that many bright youngsters are keen to try it as quickly as is reasonably possible. It’s all out there, from the casual acceptance of frequent one‑night stands in Friends to the full-frontal nudity of Sex and the City (the film version, actually rated 15, was the film treat of choice for many 12- to 14-year-olds’ birthday parties on its release).
A striking feature of even the most intelligent teenagers is their inability to foresee consequences. So what can the concerned parent do to help them handle the immense pressure to want too much too young?
It can be helpful to watch soap operas with them and give your opinion, then listen honestly to theirs. Alternatively, tell them about some of your anonymous friends’ experiences: how did your colleague cope with the news that she had chlamydia? Was X’s abortion really painless and hassle-free? Newspapers are full of stories about “love cheats”, but how did that feel when it happened to you?
Don’t sit down for a two-hour “birds and bees” session, but chat about these things as they arise, laugh about them when you can, and your daughter will be grateful of the chance to discuss issues that might well be worrying her too, with someone who knows a bit more and whom she doesn’t have to impress. You will never stop her having sex, but if she can keep you in the loop, it is much more likely to be safer and more at a time when she’s ready than otherwise.
Girls are very much interested in relationships of all kinds – they care far more about friendships than boys generally do (which is why fluctuations in friendship patterns can cause girls such pain). Moving into the world of boyfriends is important to them. But, as is the case in later life, being with the wrong partner is not preferable to being alone. Girls need to be helped to see that you start going out with someone because you are strongly attracted to each other (and it has to be mutual) and you want to spend time together.
Still, don’t give them too much time alone together — parents have real responsibilities here.
A recent consultation with a group of sixth-form girls showed common sense and a considerable consensus on basic issues. Asked about her piercings, one teenager said: “Parents shouldn’t forbid it. I was forbidden from getting certain bits of my ears pierced, so obviously I went and got them done as soon as I could at a festival – a really bad idea.”
As a parent, you could set a reasonable period of time, perhaps six months, to test your daughter’s resolve before she gets it done, but ultimately helping to ensure hygienic and safe treatment is essential. If things do go wrong, it is better that you know and are involved.
Concentrate on open discussion of facts – for example, that tattoos (especially facial piercings) might deter potential employers; the way in which tattoos blur and spread with age; the scarring that can result from tattoo removal; and the problems that lower back tattoos may cause for pregnant women who need epidurals.
Girls are usually aware that some forms of piercing have a high incidence of infection and can scar, but does your daughter know that a tongue stud may damage the enamel on her teeth, or that infected ear-cartilage piercings usually result in surgery as antibiotics will not work? There are plenty of offputting and gruesome images on the internet.
Consider whether it is wise to let her have a computer in her bedroom. If she is too young to be left alone at home, she is probably too young to be using the internet without supervision.
Keep your home computer in a public place, preferably with the screen facing into the room, so that it can be seen when passing. Laptops with Wi‑Fi connection make it almost impossible for parents to have any handle on what their daughter is doing on the internet; many parents consider such hardware best suited to the older teenager. Be aware that the majority of mobile phones today are also likely to provide unfiltered access to the internet.
Insist that your children do not share personal information, such as their full name, address, phone numbers, full date of birth or passwords, with people they meet online.
Stay involved: look at her and her friends’ Facebook page, and check the computer’s history (the log of websites visited). You could remind her that the police say anything on the internet is public, that malicious gossip is a serious offence, and that teachers and employers check these sites.
Above all, keep talking to her, about your concerns as well as possible threats to her safety. Once she is in her mid‑teens, peer pressure will be the greatest influence in her life, so any lecturing from you could be counter‑productive.
She needs strategies for managing the risks that are an inevitable part of life so that she can become a confident, competent and successful adult, and use the “wings” you have given her to fly.
When it comes to raising offspring, do parents today need more help with their daughters? The Girls’ Schools Association certainly thinks so.
“Parents are particularly anxious about raising daughters as there are greater pressures on girls,” says Dr Helen Wright, headmistress of St Mary’s Calne, president of the GSA, and the mother of two daughters (and one son). “There are social pressures in terms of celebrity culture, for instance, or their appearance, or the conflict women have about their role in life.”
According to Dr Hunt, parents are increasingly turning to schools for advice and wisdom. “With the break-up of the extended family network, parents simply don’t know where to turn. We’ve seen a huge increase in the past 10 years of parents coming into school and asking about parenting issues. Schools and families need to work together to bring up children.”
Which is how the new book, Your Daughter: a Guide for Raising Girls, came about. The practical manual, written by the head teachers and staff from more than 200 leading girls’ schools, deals with everything from family and friends to tantrums and tattoos. Here, we select the GSA’s most pertinent advice when it comes to raising a thoroughly modern 21st‑century girl.
ALCOHOL
Most parents are worried about their children coming into contact with drugs, but the real social evil is alcohol. With spirits retailing at less than £10 in supermarkets, most teenagers can afford to pick up a bottle with their pocket money. Fake IDs are routine, and there is usually an older teen around to effect the transaction.The prevalence of alcopops has taken away one of the greatest bars on teenage drinking – the taste; most young teenagers don’t like beer, wine or cider. Alcopops, which vary in their alcoholic content, go down like fizzy drinks, and can act as an entry level to harder spirits. It is no surprise that teenage drinking is now a national problem.
For the majority of teenage carousers, however, alcohol isn’t anything serious; it’s just an ever-present favourite motivator for nearly all teenage behaviour: “having a laugh”, appearing “cool”, and being incapable of predicting consequences. If real shock tactics are called for, you could make them stay sober at a party where everyone else is drinking, or video them while under the influence. It’s not funny the next day.
Still, the world of teenage parties and alcohol is one of the most difficult situations that parents face. Children will always try to play parents off against each other, so it is important that you establish good lines of communication between each other, and are clear about – and agree upon – a number of keys issues, namely at what age alcohol will be made available to your child; the amount and type of alcohol that will be provided at a party; and what levels of supervision will be in place throughout.
Limit access to wines and beers (no spirits). Although alcopops, which are popular with girls, blur the spirit/non-spirit divide, at least they are a “measured” drink. A strong, active adult presence at all teenage parties is essential. “Policing” duties range from excluding gatecrashers to being alert to “smuggled in” supplies of alcohol. A minimum of three adults, at a ratio of one adult to 10 teenagers, should provide a good level of supervision and sufficient cover if anything goes wrong.
Alcohol is a normal part of adult society, and it is important that young people learn to drink responsibly. This skill is best taught in the home – it is often suggested that allowing children a small amount of alcohol at home (the French wine-and-water model) can help to deglamorise later drinking at clubs. Most importantly, parents should not underestimate the part that we play as role models to our children. Young people will pay more attention to what we do than to what we say.
Talking to your daughter about alcohol is really important and – like talking about sex – is best introduced from an early age as part of an ongoing conversation about what is right and what is wrong in life.
SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS
While every parent would like to shelter their daughter from too much knowledge and experience too soon, it is not possible to protect her forever. Sex and relationship education is recognised as one of the trickiest subjects for parents to broach. Nevertheless, most of us will recognise that nothing is as dangerous as ignorance, and failing to address the subject, or leaving it too late, could be a high-risk strategy.We need our daughters to have the skills and knowledge to enable them to cope with reality, rather than attempting to keep it at bay. There is no evidence that giving information early leads to early experimentation; in fact, the reverse is more likely to be true – shrouding sex and relationships in mystery can do more harm than being open and honest with our children.
Sex is so flaunted, it can’t be a surprise to anyone that many bright youngsters are keen to try it as quickly as is reasonably possible. It’s all out there, from the casual acceptance of frequent one‑night stands in Friends to the full-frontal nudity of Sex and the City (the film version, actually rated 15, was the film treat of choice for many 12- to 14-year-olds’ birthday parties on its release).
A striking feature of even the most intelligent teenagers is their inability to foresee consequences. So what can the concerned parent do to help them handle the immense pressure to want too much too young?
It can be helpful to watch soap operas with them and give your opinion, then listen honestly to theirs. Alternatively, tell them about some of your anonymous friends’ experiences: how did your colleague cope with the news that she had chlamydia? Was X’s abortion really painless and hassle-free? Newspapers are full of stories about “love cheats”, but how did that feel when it happened to you?
Don’t sit down for a two-hour “birds and bees” session, but chat about these things as they arise, laugh about them when you can, and your daughter will be grateful of the chance to discuss issues that might well be worrying her too, with someone who knows a bit more and whom she doesn’t have to impress. You will never stop her having sex, but if she can keep you in the loop, it is much more likely to be safer and more at a time when she’s ready than otherwise.
Girls are very much interested in relationships of all kinds – they care far more about friendships than boys generally do (which is why fluctuations in friendship patterns can cause girls such pain). Moving into the world of boyfriends is important to them. But, as is the case in later life, being with the wrong partner is not preferable to being alone. Girls need to be helped to see that you start going out with someone because you are strongly attracted to each other (and it has to be mutual) and you want to spend time together.
Still, don’t give them too much time alone together — parents have real responsibilities here.
PIERCINGS AND TATTOOS
Whether it is done at a high-end boutique or with a needle and a box of matches in the school loos, girls are eager to engage in rites of passage such as ear-piercing or tattooing. As we encourage our daughters to become independent thinkers, objecting on the grounds of our own personal preference is unlikely to hold much sway.A recent consultation with a group of sixth-form girls showed common sense and a considerable consensus on basic issues. Asked about her piercings, one teenager said: “Parents shouldn’t forbid it. I was forbidden from getting certain bits of my ears pierced, so obviously I went and got them done as soon as I could at a festival – a really bad idea.”
As a parent, you could set a reasonable period of time, perhaps six months, to test your daughter’s resolve before she gets it done, but ultimately helping to ensure hygienic and safe treatment is essential. If things do go wrong, it is better that you know and are involved.
Concentrate on open discussion of facts – for example, that tattoos (especially facial piercings) might deter potential employers; the way in which tattoos blur and spread with age; the scarring that can result from tattoo removal; and the problems that lower back tattoos may cause for pregnant women who need epidurals.
Girls are usually aware that some forms of piercing have a high incidence of infection and can scar, but does your daughter know that a tongue stud may damage the enamel on her teeth, or that infected ear-cartilage piercings usually result in surgery as antibiotics will not work? There are plenty of offputting and gruesome images on the internet.
SOCIAL NETWORKING AND THE INTERNET
The media is full of horror stories of children being harmed. But these events hit the headlines because they are so unusual. Many more children are killed in traffic accidents every hour of every day than as a result of communicating with others on social network websites. However, such stories can give valuable examples of what you and your daughter should be aware of.Consider whether it is wise to let her have a computer in her bedroom. If she is too young to be left alone at home, she is probably too young to be using the internet without supervision.
Keep your home computer in a public place, preferably with the screen facing into the room, so that it can be seen when passing. Laptops with Wi‑Fi connection make it almost impossible for parents to have any handle on what their daughter is doing on the internet; many parents consider such hardware best suited to the older teenager. Be aware that the majority of mobile phones today are also likely to provide unfiltered access to the internet.
Insist that your children do not share personal information, such as their full name, address, phone numbers, full date of birth or passwords, with people they meet online.
Stay involved: look at her and her friends’ Facebook page, and check the computer’s history (the log of websites visited). You could remind her that the police say anything on the internet is public, that malicious gossip is a serious offence, and that teachers and employers check these sites.
Above all, keep talking to her, about your concerns as well as possible threats to her safety. Once she is in her mid‑teens, peer pressure will be the greatest influence in her life, so any lecturing from you could be counter‑productive.
She needs strategies for managing the risks that are an inevitable part of life so that she can become a confident, competent and successful adult, and use the “wings” you have given her to fly.
Related : How to guide girls From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia, Flat Screen Local News
